The Scarlet "S"

One of the most interesting things discussed last weekend was that of singleness in the Church. Suzette and Julie, our speakers at the Retreat, are both returned missionaries in their late 30's. Several topics were brought up that I thought were pertinent. Foremost in my mind was the comment that a single person lacks legitimacy in a married Church. We do have a coming-of-age ritual in the form of a mission. But even after serving a mission, in the Mormon society one is not fully grown and a member of the "adult" class until they have been married. This results in strange behaviors, such as speakers who will come into singles wards and talk down to them as a group, though several of his audience may actually be older than he.

In our discussion, one woman mentioned that she has noticed that married couples without children also struggle with lack of legitimacy.

Singles in married wards are often treated like teenagers, and seldom receive leadership callings. They are sometimes asked to babysit instead of joining in the activities that married couples are attending without their children. Julie spoke of some notable exceptions she has seen, such as a Boston singles ward which was given much responsibility in the Temple. They also were called upon to organize and lead a Youth Conference. In addition, Julie had two single Relief Society Presidents in her family ward in Northern Utah. These things lift the entire Church as we utilize the now-dormant strengths of many additional adult members.

I know that Sister Barbara Thompson, newly called Second Counselor of the General RS Presidency is a single woman. I wonder if she will have an influence in being a role model for women or effect any change in the status quo for singles. I don't hold my breath, since our last General RS had quite a low visibility in the Church.

Suzette said that marrieds might have an image of singles as having a wild and crazy social life, playing Ultimate Frisbee every afternoon with a group of cute guys. This makes them reluctant to invite singles to socialize or join them in their comparatively boring activities. "I'm in my late 30's, and I like to do things that other people my age do," she pointed out. Unfortunately, there is usually a "Great Divide" among the single and married members of a ward. Suzette observed that since the predominant culture in the Church is a "family," it is incumbent upon the married members to open a way to integrate the singles.

Our two presenters gave married members several suggestions to help integrate singles into the culture. One of the most poignant was their plea not to try to "fix" singles as if something were broken. Many church members feel a vast discomfort with single members and sense the ambiguity with our doctrine which necessitates marriage for progression and Godhood. They try to probe the psyche and discover what is wrong. The single member must be gay, or too picky, or too intimidating.

In what ways have you seen the Church making efforts to integrate singles? Where do you stand on the "Singles Wards versus Married Wards" controversy? If you've experienced time as an adult single member of the Church, please share any insights you have gained.

Buck Up, Ladies!

I'm pretty steamed about a comment on Amri's post "Part-Time Jobs and Part-Time Daycare." Amri wonders if a part-time job might help her SAHM friend's mild depression, and asks if part-time daycare is really all that bad. Several commenters defend stay-at-home mothering, and offer suggestions on how to alleviate the depression. Then bbell chimes in with some advice he says comes from his wife, who "at one point had a 4-year-old, 20 month old, and a set of newborn twins at home." Here is the advice:

1. Shower, dress and put on makeup. Being slobby is not going to help your mental state
2. get other SAHM friends including non LDS SAHM friends. The non LDS SAHM friends will be guilt free friends who will not see you thru a pressure filled LDS SAHM prism. You will be able to relax a bit in their presence
3. have lots of sex with hubby
4. Make the bed in the morning
5. Clean the house. Do not have a messy house it will kill you mentally
6. Work out. Get a jogging stroller and go every day
7. Get unlimited long distance and call lifelong friends regularly
8. Do not use food to help you feel better. Getting fat will not help you feel better
9. Date night on the weekend
10. New hobbies
11. Buck up
12. Make your husband cook, clean, laundry, dishes etc. at night Never go to bed with a messy house. Its a horrible feeling to wake up to a mess

And now, here is how some women reacted to that advice:

"I believe you, bbell, that these are your wife's suggestions. But somehow, I wish she had commented herself. I don't know why, but it makes me MORE depressed to hear a man tell me that the way to cure my depression is to have lots of sex with my hubby, don't get fat, don't look slobby, and clean the house..."

"buck up is quite possibly the worst advice i've ever heard. ever."

"I don't think bbell's list would help someone who is already depressed. Those items take a lot of energy and ambition. When I had depression, I'd make lists like that too. Then I'd stare at them and cry..."

"That list looks like exactly the thing that creates that guilt-inducing pressure that mormon women suffer from. You will only be happy if you wear makeup every day, your house is clean, you work out, aren't fat, and have a great sex life. I mean, duh, I think every woman wants her life to be like that. But isn't the point that you get bored, depressed, and often overwhelmed? How is adding tasks to the day going to make someone less overwhelmed? How is telling a woman unfulfilled with her life as a SAHM that she would be happy if she were just, you know, skinny and cute and sexy every day, going to help her? yeesh."

When I was a young SAHM, I was given similar advice in the form of a book by Daryl V. Hoole, The Art of Homemaking, published by Deseret Book. A representative piece of advice in this book is the following:

"Not only is your attitude of great importance, but your appearance also plays a vital role in a happy home. One of the most common complaints unhappy husbands have is that their wives have neglected their appearance and slop around the house with uncombed hair and in runover slippers which look like two dead rabbits. If for no other reason than to keep the romance alive in your marriage, it is worth it to put your best self forward. Each morning get up and get completely dressed...And remember, as far as make-up is concerned, Even a barn looks better if it's painted!"

As I was looking for a link to Ms. Hoole's book, I discovered that she had written a new, updated book called The Ultimate Career: The Art of Homemaking for Today. I figured that perhaps her views had changed since she wrote The Art of Homemaking in 1967. Perhaps she had advice which addressed some of the challenges of being a homemaker in today's world. I haven't read the book, but Meridian Magazine provided some quotes from this new and improved version:


"The hope is to have many more good days than bad ones and to experience joy in our daily lives. To bring this about, our best efforts are required; yes to be happy at home is the result of all ambition. Now, while you're waiting for more to come in the months ahead, treat yourself today to a quick lift and some instant satisfaction by doing three simple chores:

First, sweep your front porch or outside entry way. This stops dirt at the door and provides a welcoming experience for family and friends who approach your house.

Second, wash the window over the kitchen sink, if there is one. As you look through a clean, sparkling window the entire world brightens up. If you don't have a window, shine your sink.

Third, pick up and put away, give away or throw away ten pieces of clutter..."


Now, I am sure there are many "feminist Mormon housewives" out there who will tell me that the advice to "buck up" has changed their lives, or that shining that sink can give one a whole new perspective on life. But to me, this type of advice is at best, silly; and at worst extremely damaging to a woman today. To a woman plagued with guilt, boredom, and depression, one need not pile on more inane and worthless chores such as sweeping the front porch or putting on makeup each day for hubby's viewing pleasure.

How I Survive Mother's Day

I am the proud survivor of 22 Mother's Days as an LDS mother, and they haven't all been easy! Today's the day I share some of my survival tips with all of you.

1. Learn that Mother's Day is not about you. I'm not sure exactly what Mother's Day is all about. But once I learned it wasn't about making me happy, I enjoyed it so much more. The disappointment was gone and I could flow with whatever happened (or didn't happen!)

2. Help your family succeed. The husband and the children may have difficulty making this day a success on their own, as mine do. The younger children often become disappointed when they are caught without anything to give. By all means, go out and buy yourself some lovely things to give to your husband to pass out to the children.

3. Forgive your mother, just for this one day. My mother and I had issues all of my life. One year, as I was reading "Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood," I had an epiphany. My mother had done the best she could. She wasn't actually trying to hurt me or be a horrible mother. She had done what she was capable of.

4. Celebrate your mother, grandmother, and other mother figures that you know. Do something special and meaningful for them. Try sending anonymous gifts to the elderly or shut-ins. Little gestures are best. Don't put too much time or money into this. Make it fun for yourself. If it's not fun, don't do it.

5. Don't make Church too personal. Be detached. Think: "That was probably a comforting talk for Sister Jones to hear." Think: "Brother Fry's talk really honored his mother. How nice that he remembers his childhood fondly." If someone wants to give you a flower, take the flower. If they don't give you a flower, let it pass. Just let this be one of those screwy Sundays that happen sometimes.

6. Do the planning yourself. Announce ahead of time: "For Mother's Day, we are all going on a picnic!" or, "Let's go to that new Italian restaurant." or, "After Church I'm going to spend three hours by myself in my room reading." Then thank everyone profusely for giving you the kind of Mother's Day you wanted.

7. Grieve for your deceased mother. After my husband's parents died, he felt like an orphan, even though he was in his 40's. Mother's Day is a sad time for him. It helps when I encourage him to tell the children stories of his mother. He enjoys remembering her in this way. Others might visit the cemetery with flowers, light candles in front of her picture, or write memorial poetry and thoughts.

8. Ignore the day. Some women, for a variety of reasons, may find Mother's Day excruciatingly painful. If you are having a hard year, don't feel obliged to be a part of the holiday. Skip Church, head out into nature, go to a movie. Extend an invitation to some friends who don't have children to come over for dinner and game night.

9. Don't succumb to the commercialization of Mother's Day. Make your cards. If you don't have much money, don't send expensive floral arrangements! Instead, make phone calls, send free e-cards, or make a personal visit.

10. Enjoy whatever you are given. Most mothers are wonderful at this. We love flowers in plastic cups, homemade cards, gifts that are too expensive, things that we don't need or want. One year a friend received the gift of a plunger and toilet bowl cleaning set from her husband. She received it graciously and saved her laughter and groans for her best friends the next day. We have laughed hilariously about this gift so many times over the years!

Please add any of your Mother's Day survival tips if you feel so inclined. Happy Mother's Day to all my blog friends!



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To DD:
Virtual rosepetals in your freshly caulked bathtub from me to you--to celebrate your womanhood!