Tuesday, December 5, 2006

God is Love

I had the most amazing experience as I embarked on my “spiritual triathlon” training. The first day was inaugurated with a 20 minute meditation. I sat down in a sunny spot on my living room floor and crossed my legs. I had determined that I would meditate on the phrase “God is Love.” I resolved to keep it simple, and not to delve into the nature of Deity or my own shortcomings or anything too deep or depressing. So: God is Love, I thought. And immediately I felt a huge powerful sensation overwhelm me. This was no warm feeling in the bosom. I felt like I was having an orgasm inside of my chest. And it wasn’t the only peculiar reaction I was to experience. Since I am a P.E. major and (sometime) athlete, I am pretty familiar with my heart rate—I can tell when my heart is beating at the optimum rate for exercise. Well, the funny thing about me is that when my heart rate is slow I have a difficult time finding a pulse. I can only feel it after I’ve done a bit of exercise and my heart is pumping pretty fast. So in this meditation I start feeling my heart rate. It is thumping in my ears and my head—and it’s Really Slow! Like, abnormally slow. So I just sat and pondered about how God is Love and I’m pretty sure I connected with some type of force outside of myself which caused some strange sensations and physical reactions. And it had the result of making me feel very, very good about myself, in fact: I am loved. And the feelings I’ve encountered in the last few months when I’ve felt that I haven’t been loved are so much the opposite, dark, and heavy.
I found that I could only meditate for about 10 minutes before I lost control of my thoughts. I had to peek at the clock to see how long I’d been meditating. I stuck it out for the remaining 10 minutes and the feeling didn’t go away, but I had to really keep saying to myself, “God is Love,” instead of being immersed in it like I was at first. So I see that I’m “out of shape” spiritually and I’m expecting that it will probably get easier to do. But all day long I could revisit the mantra “God is Love,” and I got that powerful feeling to come back to me. Now I feel like I can relate to people who have had “ecstatic experiences” because ecstatic is really a great word for it. And I wish my writing was a whole lot better than it is because I want to be able to describe this experience sublimely and perfectly.

This writing thing is a lot more difficult than the meditation because I start to try to analyze and wonder if I should trust what happened or if it was just some kind of psycho-physical or depressive-manic thing. Especially putting it out there for people to read. I guess I’m sensitive to what people’s perceptions of me are, and I know I might look like a kook or idiot or people will wonder if it is all for real. But I guess it is part of taking off the mask. I’ve suspected for a long time that that real face of mine is just not going to fit in any which where.


m&m said...

I don't know that I have ever heard the Spirit described as like an orgasm in the chest, but it sounds like a good way to try to put words to your experience. Ecstasy is reserved for pretty limited and sacred experiences, so the combination of the two actually seems rather strangely appropriate. :)

GOD LOVES YOU. You. Are. Lovable. !!!

(Thank you for sharing. I hope you don't mind that even though I have decided to back off of comments in the 'nacle, I'm still interested in more one-on-one interactions. I'm really moved by your idea of the spiritual triathalon, and to see how God seems to feel about your desires to exercise your spirit in this way. Such an immediate response! It strengthens me to read about this, so thank you. [Just had the thought that maybe all those prayers in your behalf didn't go unnoticed, eh?] :) )

m&m said...

p.s. And I really hope people treat your openness with the deepest respect.

And I'm not sure if what I said came across right...I think the Lord allows us to transcend this mortal sphere through basically two experiences: experiences with the Spirit when the veil seems thinner, and also through the ecstasy of marital intimacy, so I thought it interesting to see the two concepts combined. I will say that I probably won't be using such a description myself because I'm a little more shy than that, but.... ;)

Bored in Vernal said...

m&m, I'm so glad you reminded me of all the prayers people have been sending out for me. Thank you, thank you, everyone!

m&m said...

I told my husband about your experience tonite and was moved to tears. Really. This to me is such a beautiful example of how anxious God is to bless us as we turn our hearts to Him. This has been probably the highlight of my day.

Deborah said...

Once, when I needed *something,* I called out to the universe, "What do you have to say!?" All I could perceive in return was "We love you." It still sustains me.

Mark IV said...

Speaking as a fellow kook and idiot, I think you are doing just fine.