Sunday, February 20, 2011

Hiding Behind the Hymn Book

You really are invisible when you teach Primary. I was never so glad of the fact as I was this week. We got to Church just as the opening song was being sung, and sat in the overflow. No one noticed me, and I went right to my Primary class after Sacrament Meeting. I took the first few minutes to explain to the kids (11-year-olds) why my face might look a little strange, and told them that hopefully it was temporary and they could pray for me if they wanted. Then we launched right in to the lesson. Near the end of class we had brownies to celebrate the 12-year-old birthday of a boy who is THRILLED to be getting the priesthood. Then I went home a little early, leaving my class to their own devices in Sharing Time. I don't think I permanently scarred any of them.

Dr. B. suggested that I take a leave of absence from teaching Primary, but I don't really want to. I'd feel guilty just staying home from Church, but I don't want to go to SS & RS and be conspicuous. I did spend too much time and effort preparing a lesson last night and this morning, so if I'm going to keep teaching I need to just relax and not put so much frenzied effort into everything being perfect.

I'm not sure why I don't really want to share this with anyone in my ward. I don't have any close friends here, it tires me to have to continually be explaining what happened, and I don't want people in the ward to feel sorry for me or feel obligated to make me treats. I also don't want to break down. It's so easy for me to get upset and cry and I want to avoid that if possible, especially in a public setting.

I still get very sad and down about how I look and how I can't control my face. I have to watch out for triggers. Yesterday and today I tried to rest on my bed with my eyes closed and I had Dr. B. read aloud to me from a novel. At Chapter 5, one of the characters flashed back to her teen-aged days and described an episode of cutting. This was very bad for me. I am trying hard to stay right in the middle emotionally. If I get too depressed, I want to die, and if I get too zealous, I overdo things.

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